Attack of the Smell Nannies

Two weeks ago it was German researcher Christof Koplin who brainstormed a smelly new way for safety weenies to reduce their anxiety about whether ridiculous-looking bicycle headgear might have a—gasp!—hidden crack. 

Now comes designer Ozge Kirimlioglu (pronounced oh-gee criminal-igloo) with a USB-linked device that releases a nasty pepper smell whenever you type bad words on your computer. 

Mr. Kirimlioglu modeled his aversive conditioning concept after his grandmother’s practice of putting peppers in his mouth when, as a child, he used foul language. Her technique evidently worked—it transformed Mr. Kirimlioglu into a full-fledged wussie and digital busybody. One could dismiss this as another droll art concept; the fact that the UK’s Telegraph gave it full play argues against this. Britain, the birthplace of our Anglo-Saxon common law and of Enlightenment concepts of freedom and rationality, has become a suffocating nanny state ringed with surveillance cameras, with a government determined to disarm its citizenry and exert pervasive control over thought and behavior. In this environment, Kirimlioglu’s “Pepper Mouth” device may soon be plugged into elementary school computers across the land.

Olfactory aversion training has been tried many times in the past, first to dissuade fatties from stuffing themselves with food, and later to discourage a variety of sexual behaviors, including homosexuality, exhibitionism and pedophilia. In a technique reminiscent of A Clockwork Orange, sexual sadists are instructed to inhale ammonia fumes while engaging in their deviant fantasies. Searing one’s nasal passages with an irritating chemical results in a dramatic reduction of “average percent penile erection” as measured by a penile plethysmograph. (In some circles having a snug band wrapped around one’s pork sword is itself a source of deviant fantasies and even erections . . . however, the ammonia always wins.) 

We wonder whether the high-end Arizona sex rehab clinics frequented by David Duchovny and Tiger Woods rely entirely on gentle suasion of the Dr. Drew variety or whether they send their clients home with tiny spray bottles of ammonia.

Duchovny blamed internet porn for his descent into “sex addiction.” We see an opportunity for Mr. Krimlioglu to extend his franchise with the “Pepper Pecker”. It would be a huge hit with the Smell Nannies.