Now Showing at Ohio State: Plant Porn and Tuber Abuse

It may have other virtues, but from my point of view Columbus, Ohio, is best known as the HQ of Limited Brands, Inc. (restyled L Brands, for the moment). Sure, there’s also a football team there with a university attached, but honestly . . .

So it’s a big deal when Fox News calls attention to a non-athletic event in Columbus. And selling tickets to watch a plant grow pretty much defines non-athletic leisure-time entertainment:

Ohio State greenhouse watches 1 stinky corpse flower’s rare bloom, awaits opening of a 2nd

Two quibbles:

Firstly, corpse flower isn’t the plant’s real name; it’s a PR monicker. Apparently the direct translation of the scientific name Amorphophallus titanum is too rude for school, although giant misshapen penis pretty much captures the concept for me. Legend has it that David Attenborough came up with the sanitized name when he filmed his BBC series.

Secondly, how legit is it to call a flower “rare” when it has blossomed four times in two years, in Columbus, Ohio alone?

A 6-foot titan arum opened Tuesday to release its rotting-flesh smell two years after it first flowered. A second corpse flower opened briefly at the greenhouse last May, and a third is expected to open in seven to 10 days.

Thirdly, [Wait, you said two quibbles.—Ed.] [Zip it, I’m on a roll here.] are the folks at the OSU greenhouse behaving . . . ethically? I mean, left to themselves these Indonesian tubers go all giant penis every 20 years or so.

Spokeswoman Sandi Rutkowski says having three or four blooms within three years is lucky but also is a tribute to the skill of cultivators at the greenhouse.

Skill? What exactly are those OSU athletic trainers cultivators doing to produce 325 lb linemen corpse flower blossoms every two years?