Cannabis in the U.S. Patent Office

Given my current interest in the olfactory properties of cannabis, I monitor the relevant scientific literature and every so often scan the U.S. patent application database. There are a ton of weed-related patents being filed. Some of the inventions are for practical devices, like this one for “Apparatus and related methods for trimming dried Cannabis flowers,” filed by Cullen Raichart of San Diego, California. Mr. Raichart aims to be the Eli Whitney of cannabis. The brief abstract and an illustration are all you need to understand his machine and what it does.

Then there’s “Apparatus and methods for biosynthetic production of cannabinoids,” by Robert Winnicki, et al. This group of inventors is looking beyond the agricultural horizon and proposing to create THC and related cannabinoids in a bioreactor. Neato!

As I browsed along, I found another application that sounded promising: “Method of producing cannabidiol derived products.” When I read the abstract I did a spit-take.

Methods are provided for producing cannabidiol (CBD)-based products in accordance with cycles of the moon and a plurality of biodynamic rituals. In some embodiments, the phase of the moon may be correlated with positions of the moon among the twelve zodiac signs, and the positions used to guide in the cultivation and harvest of cannabis plants. In some embodiments, the phase of the moon and the corresponding astrological phase that the moon is moving through may be used to determine when to plant seeds, when/how to water and fertilize, when to take cuttings, and the right time to harvest mature cannabis plants to produce optimal CBD-derived products. It is contemplated that farming cannabis with consideration of moon cycles may result in healthier plants, increased yields and superior products.

Yes, you read that correctly! Inventor Christine Meeusen of Merced, California, seeks to patent a method of using lunar cycle phase and the moon’s zodiacal position to optimize timing of seed planting, watering, and harvesting of Cannabis.

If the abstract sounds nutty, the body of Ms. Meeusen’s application (which cites no other patents or prior art) is even nuttier. Here’s item 37 from the Detailed Description section:

In one embodiment, the CBD derived products are only manufactured from the new moon to the full moon. On the first day of the cycle, a biodynamic ritual may be held under the stars so as to bless a work environment, such as a table. The ritual may include appreciation with respect to a Creator God and Mother Goddess. Depending on the product, a bundle of sage may be lit, and swept over any plurality of bottles and ingredients that include a high-proof alcohol to dissolve the bud. A plurality of incantations may also be communicated. In one embodiment, the producers may utilize a bundle of sage so as to cleanse one another prior to production. In one embodiment, appropriate dosages of marijuana may be scooped into preparation jars.

Ooooookay, then. Meanwhile, the flowchart in Fig. 1 looks like a game plan drawn up by the Underpants Gnomes:

Fig. 3 achieves peak nuttiness:

So who is Ms. Meeusen? A quick google search reveals that she is also known as Sister Kate the “weed nun.” Like other members of her “order,” she dresses in full habit, coif and wimple while running a sizable marijuana grow in Merced. According to Reuters, she first took up the nun persona in 2011 as part of her involvement in Occupy Wall Street. [This is my shocked face.—Ed.]

Is this a practical joke? Unlikely, given the expense of filing a patent. Is it performance art? Maybe. In any case, pity the poor patent examiner.

The U.S. patent applications discussed here are 20180126578 (Raichart), 20180179564 (Winnicki et al.) and 20180169162 (Meeusen).